Children and sibling rivalry

A sibling is a brother or a sister, and it is okay for there to be strong feelings, words and actions between them.

Why sibling rivalry happens#

Fighting and arguing between siblings is normal. It is one of the ways children learn to sort out problems and develop strategies they can use in other conflicts. Sibling rivalry is also part of how children work out their place in the family.

Temperament and personality have a big influence on a child’s ability to manage their feelings, especially anger and frustration. Some children struggle to manage their anger and can trigger a reaction in a sibling. Fighting between young children usually decreases as they grow older and develop more language, tolerance and social skills.

Some siblings get along throughout their lives, some have years of getting on followed by years of not getting on, and some — with different personalities, temperaments or other issues between them — may never really like each other.

Sibling rivalry is more common among children who are the same gender and close together in age. It tends to be lower in families where children feel they are treated equally by their parents and where their place in the family is respected and valued.

Research suggests that parents often rate the quality of sibling relationships differently from how the children themselves do. Generally, a child’s view of their relationship with a sibling is more optimistic than a parent’s view.

Competition between twins#

Competition can be heightened in the case of identical twins. Being constantly compared and contrasted seems to encourage rivalry. Low self-esteem, depression and jealousy are more likely if one child is outperformed by their sibling in some way. Studies have shown that a twin who is outperformed may abandon an activity altogether to avoid direct competition, even when they have great potential themselves.

Preparing your child for a new sibling#

The arrival of a new sibling is one time when strong feelings of jealousy and displacement can occur in an older child. It is natural for them to feel threatened or jealous, because the parental attention that used to be theirs is now shared.

An older child has a lot to cope with when there is a new baby. Sometimes the baby uses their bassinet and equipment, and even wears their old baby clothes. The older child may act out these feelings through their behavior. As a parent, try to respond with empathy to the feelings behind the behavior rather than to the behavior itself. Your child will need reassurance and support through this challenging time.

It is difficult to prepare children under 18 months for a new sibling, because their vocabulary and understanding are limited. Children older than two can be told about the new baby late in the pregnancy and reassured of their important place in the family. Try to make practical arrangements ahead of time so your toddler is used to the changes when the new baby arrives. Suggestions include:

• If your child is still using a cot, consider moving them to a bed as early as possible. If you wait until the baby is born, your toddler may resent the new baby for taking their cot.
• For some mothers, breastfeeding an older child as well as the new baby feels natural and comfortable, and they may feel no need to wean the toddler. If you do this, it is important to breastfeed the new baby first.
• If you will be taking parental leave or hiring a nanny, try to start these arrangements several weeks before the baby is due, to give your toddler time to adjust.
• Make sure your toddler has ongoing activities outside the house, such as a playgroup or similar activity.
• Involve your toddler before the birth — talk about names for the baby, show them photographs of themselves as a newborn, and explain how the baby will need lots of help.

The jealous toddler#

Your toddler may resent the new baby for taking up so much of your time and for not being big enough to play with. Given the chance, some toddlers may become rough with their new brother or sister. Suggestions to prevent this include:

• Recognize that this is a difficult time for your child, and be understanding, loving and nurturing.
• Remember that your child is acting out their feelings through their behavior and needs your support.
• Acknowledge your child’s feelings and give them plenty of love, hugs and encouragement.
• Praise gentle behavior between your child and the baby, and other behavior you want to encourage.
• Be a role model and show your child how you would like them to behave.
• Accept that your toddler’s behavior may revert to baby-like behavior for a while as they cope with the new situation. They may be trying to recreate the time when they were the only child and felt special.
• Promote the positives of no longer being the baby, such as being able to do things for themselves, make choices and do things the baby cannot.
• Offer special rewards or outings so they see there are advantages to being the older child.

Sibling violence#

On rare occasions, sibling rivalry can become violent, with one child physically harming the other on a regular basis. The child who behaves this way is usually the sibling with greater power or status, for example by being older or bigger. If you are experiencing sibling violence in your family, seek urgent professional help. Relationship and family counseling services can provide support.

Key points#

• Sibling rivalry is more common among children who are the same gender and close together in age.
• If you are breastfeeding both an older child and a new baby, it is important to breastfeed the new baby first.
• To prevent a toddler being rough with a new baby, recognize that this is a difficult time for your child and respond with understanding and support.

Where to get help#