Date rape

Sexual violence is common. Research suggests that around one in five women and one in twenty men have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15. Date or acquaintance rape can be especially common among young people who have had little sexual experience and may not be sure whether what happened to them crosses the line into rape.

Many people who experience date or acquaintance rape feel pressure not to report it, or feel embarrassed or somehow responsible for the attack. None of this is true: rape is never the fault of the person it happens to.

What is rape?#

Rape is any sexual act you do not agree to. It includes someone forcing any body part or object into your vagina, rectum or mouth.

Rape can cause physical harm, such as injury, infection or pregnancy, and lasting emotional harm, such as fear, anxiety, depression, insomnia, flashbacks and difficulty trusting others.

It can also cause harm in other ways. For example, some assaults are recorded or photographed, and the offender may share, or threaten to share, these intimate images. Distributing or threatening to distribute intimate images of someone without their consent is illegal.

Date or acquaintance rape can happen to anyone#

Date or acquaintance rape can happen when you are out with someone you have met before or are meeting for the first time. Both women and men can be raped, and offenders can be male or female.

Rape is not two people meeting to have sex. It is a violent act in which one person forces themselves sexually onto someone they see as less powerful. Rape is against the law and it is always wrong.

Men can be raped too. For many men the idea of being a victim is hard to handle, because beliefs about “manliness” and “masculinity” are deeply ingrained. This can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy when a man is raped, especially if he did not fight off the attacker. None of these feelings mean the assault was his fault.

Sex and consent#

Everyone has the right to set their own sexual limits and to change those limits whenever they wish. If someone genuinely cares for you, they will respect those limits and not force themselves on you.

Agreeing to have sex is called giving consent. Consent should be:

• Freely given
• Reversible
• Informed
• Enthusiastic
• Specific

You have not given consent if you:

• Went along with the sex because of force, or because you were scared that force would be used
• Were held captive
• Were too scared to say no
• Felt pressured in any way
• Were asleep, unconscious, or too affected by alcohol or drugs to give informed consent
• Did not understand what was happening

How can you protect yourself?#

You cannot prevent someone else from choosing to commit a crime, but there are steps that may reduce the risk of being in a situation where date or acquaintance rape is more likely:

• Tell friends or family who you are meeting and where.
• If you met online, send a friend the link to the person’s profile and their phone number if you have it.
• Stay in well-lit, public places.
• If the person does not match their online profile, leave.
• Do not go back to their place, no matter what excuse they use.
• Make sure your phone is charged and that you have a way to pay for a taxi or rideshare home.
• Let friends know who you are leaving with.
• Do not let the person pick you up from, or drop you at, your home or work; they may come back later.
• Be cautious about adding them on social media until you know them well; they may use it to stalk you.

Look after your drink#

• Do not drink on an empty stomach, and be aware of the alcohol content of your drinks.
• Pace your drinks.
• Open your own drinks and do not accept a drink handed to you by someone else.
• Keep your drink with you at all times and do not share drinks.

Protecting your drink helps prevent someone from adding extra alcohol or slipping drugs into it, both of which can increase your risk of date or acquaintance rape. If you suddenly feel unwell or light-headed, tell a friend or a member of staff at the venue.

Trust your instincts#

If something does not feel right, leave. You are not being rude by refusing to add someone on social media, go back to their place, or get into their car. It is better to be safe than sorry.

• Agree on a code word with family or friends. Saying or texting it tells them you cannot talk openly and need to be picked up right away.
• If you get a bad feeling, stay calm, firmly end the conversation and leave. If the person gets angry or makes a scene, ask venue staff for help.
• You do not have to share personal information on a date. Be wary of giving out where you work, where you live or who you live with, even if the other person shares their details; they may be lying.
• If you feel unsafe, ask for help: speak to security staff, go to an information desk in a public place, or ask restaurant staff to call you a taxi or rideshare and escort you to it. If you are in danger, call the police.

What to do if you have been raped#

If you have been raped, you can call your local emergency number straight away to report it to the police. your local emergency number (for example 911 in the US and Canada, 112 across the EU and many countries, 999 in the UK, or 000 in Australia)

If you are going to report the assault:

• Do not shower, wash any part of your body, or change clothes before getting help. This protects evidence that could be used in a case against the offender.
• Try not to urinate until after you have had a urine test. This test can show whether you have been drugged. Many drugs used in date or acquaintance rape leave the body within about 12 hours, so testing as soon as possible is important.

If you report the assault, you can be offered a forensic medical examination to check for injuries and tests for sexually transmitted infections. Emergency contraception can be offered to prevent pregnancy.

If you are not sure whether you want to report the assault, many services can carry out a “just-in-case” medical examination without involving the police. This allows forensic evidence to be collected and held for a period of time while you decide what you want to do. You can choose to report the assault to the police at any later time.

A counselor or support service can help you come to terms with what happened and find a way to heal. A counselor can also help you tell people in your life, such as your parents, if that is what you want.

Even if you do not want to tell the police or a counselor, it is important to get tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV, herpes, gonorrhea and syphilis. If you do not have a doctor you trust, a sexual health clinic can help.

Key points#

• Date or acquaintance rape is sexual assault, and it can happen to anyone; men can be raped too.
• Rape can cause physical and emotional harm, and sharing intimate images without consent is illegal.
• Looking after your drink, telling someone your plans and trusting your instincts can lower the risk of an unsafe situation.
• If you have been raped, you can get medical care, evidence collection and support, and you can choose whether and when to report to the police.

Where to get help#