Family violence explained

What is family violence?#

Family violence (also called domestic violence) is the use of violence, threats, force or intimidation to control or manipulate a family member, partner or former partner. In such a relationship there is an imbalance of power, and abusive behavior or violence is used to control others.

Not all family violence is caused by men, but research shows that men are most often the perpetrators in domestic relationships, and that women and children are often the victims. Around 1 in 3 women have experienced physical or sexual violence by a man they know.

Family violence can occur in any kind of family relationship, including between couples and other family members, and against people who are elderly or living with disability. It can affect anyone regardless of their social or economic status, or their racial and cultural background. Even so, some people are at greater risk, including women living with disability, women in regional or remote areas, younger women, women from some communities, pregnant women, and LGBTQIA+ and gender-diverse people.

What causes family violence?#

Gender inequality between men and women, including deeply held beliefs about masculinity, is a significant factor behind the high rate of violence by men towards women in relationships. Masculinity refers to a set of practices, attitudes and behaviors, including social norms and the “unwritten rules” about how to behave in society. These expectations of men and boys are learnt through institutions, policies and laws.

Many traits commonly associated with being a man or boy are also shown by people who identify as women, girls, trans, intersex, queer or gender non-binary. There is no such thing as a “typical” perpetrator of family violence.

However, researchers have found that perpetrators often:

• hold particular beliefs about masculinity, including that a “real” man should be tough, powerful and the head of the household
• believe they should make most of the decisions, including how money is spent
• do not take responsibility for their behavior, preferring to think that loved ones or circumstances provoked it
• report “losing control” when angry around their families, yet can control their anger around other people, such as friends, employers, colleagues or the police
• try to minimize, blame others for, justify or deny their use of violence and its impact on family members

Coercive control is a common thread in family violence. Although the tactics each perpetrator uses, and the experience of each victim-survivor, are unique, coercive control significantly affects the safety, autonomy, health and wellbeing of victim-survivors, ultimately robbing them of their sense of identity and freedom.

Some perpetrators grew up in an abusive household themselves, but most did not.

Resistance to seeking help#

While some men who are violent may think about getting help, most do not. Reasons men give for not seeking help include:

• Acceptance of violence. A man who believes he is entitled to dominate family members, or that it is acceptable to solve problems with violence, may not believe he needs help. He may blame the victim for “provoking” his behavior.
• Notions of masculinity. For many men, ideas about what it means to be a man include silence and strength. A man may avoid seeking help because he does not want to look “weak” or feminine.
• Fear. Feelings of shame can stop many men from seeking help.

Getting help to change behavior#

Regular counseling with a trained counselor can help perpetrators understand and change their behavior. Counseling and behavior-change programs examine and address deeply held beliefs about violence, masculinity, control of others, the impact of violence on others, self-control and responsibility for one’s actions.

Behavior-change programs encourage male perpetrators to examine the motivations for their violence and teach practical strategies, including:

• Learning that violence and abuse are driven not by anger but by a desire to hurt or dominate others.
• Learning how violent behavior damages relationships with a partner and children, and how to behave in more respectful ways.
• Self-talk and time out. The man is taught to recognize the signs of anger and to use strategies such as self-talk and time out. A self-talk message like “Anger will not solve this problem” can help him stay calm, and a trained counselor can help him find messages that work for him.

Time out means walking away from a situation until the man feels calmer. It should be discussed with his partner beforehand, so both people understand how and why it is used. Time out is not a way to avoid the issue; the man must come back and work out the problem later.

Rehabilitation after family violence#

Adult and child victim-survivors who live with a perpetrator of family violence live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. A perpetrator undergoing counseling needs to recognize that regaining their family’s trust, and the behavior-change process itself, will take time. They also need to accept that their partner has the right to end the relationship if they wish.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services straight away. Confidential telephone and counseling services are available for people experiencing family violence, and for men who want to stop their violent or abusive behavior, including services that operate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Key points#

• A man may avoid seeking help because he does not want to look “weak” or feminine.
• Fear and feelings of shame can prevent many men from seeking help.
• A man can use self-talk messages, such as “Anger will not solve this problem”, to remind himself to stay calm.

Where to get help#