Managing a relationship breakdown

Breaking up is a tough time, and how you experience it can be better or worse depending on how you deal with it. This article aims to help you recognise how you are feeling and why, and offers tips for getting through the end of a relationship in a healthy way.

When a relationship is in trouble#

Some early warning signs that a relationship may be breaking down include:

• you don’t do things together as much as before
• you have recurring arguments about the same issues that are never resolved
• you feel dissatisfied and unhappy
• you have sex less often, not at all, or it isn’t what it used to be
• one partner spends increasing time on interests and activities outside the relationship
• you feel tired and less able to meet responsibilities at work and at home
• arguments about the children continue
• one of you has an addiction that is affecting the relationship
• one or both of you have had intimate relationships outside the relationship
• there is a loss of warmth and friendliness, or one or both of you speak of no longer being in love

If one partner becomes abusive, degrading, controlling or dominating, this can indicate family violence. These behaviours can be signs of a relationship breakdown, and may trigger the start of a lonely and worrying time.

How you might feel#

How you cope during this time will depend on your ability to manage your own thoughts and actions, and to recognise when things are getting out of hand. Expect some emotional ups and downs when you and your partner separate. At times you may feel excited about your new life and a sense of freedom. At other times you may feel a deep sense of loss, and you may even feel scared.

It is understandable to experience negative emotions from a sense of loss. Separation can be painful, and may involve the loss of things such as:

• your family structure and routines
• daily contact with your children
• the family home
• friends, social life and a sense of community
• approval from your family
• financial security
• meaning, identity, or the opportunity to have children

These losses may be even harder to accept if you don’t want the separation, or if your family and friends don’t support you.

Separation can also bring up practical problems, such as where you will live, how you will support yourself and any children, and how you will share parenting. Money is a particular issue for many couples who separate, and some people experience financial hardship afterwards.

Whatever the circumstances of the breakdown, you may still feel sadness, rejection and confusion. Your world has been turned upside down, and with so much change you may feel overwhelmed, lose your appetite, or find it hard to concentrate at work. If you have children, you may struggle to look after them for a while.

You might find yourself experiencing a range of feelings and behaviours, such as:

• crying or having trouble sleeping
• relief that things are finally out in the open
• nervousness about how you will juggle work and home commitments
• feeling positive and excited about the future
• worry about legal matters, finances, or perhaps a new relationship
• sadness, or feeling consumed by the loss
• feeling unable to move on, or simply numb
• feeling ready for change and new beginnings

In other words, a relationship breakdown is a time of heightened and mixed emotions. But if you take time and care for yourself, you will come out the other side.

Coping with grief#

Regardless of whether you initiated the separation or not, you may still experience grief. Someone you used to care about, and may still love, is moving out of your life. Grief is a process, and it takes time.

To cope with your grief, try to:

• look after yourself by eating healthily and keeping up your sleep and exercise routines
• plan for treats and the things you enjoy
• avoid using alcohol or other drugs to ease the emotional pain
• keep busy, distract yourself with new people and activities, or take some quiet, reflective time by yourself
• talk to friends, family and others who can support you
• avoid rushing into a new relationship
• talk to your doctor, or seek counselling, if you have any concerns about your health and wellbeing

Everyone copes differently, so find the mix that works for you.

Looking after the practical side#

Beyond your grief, you need to be practical too. It is important to look after your finances. You may be able to get advice on income support and family assistance, and financial counselling services can help if you need support paying bills, sorting out your pension or retirement entitlements, budgeting or dealing with debt.

Family dispute resolution services can help separating couples resolve disputes, reach agreements and co-parent cooperatively. If you are experiencing parenting issues, parenting support and advice services may also be able to help.

Unhealthy responses to separation#

Relationship breakdown is a risk factor for worsening family violence and depression. Some people have an extreme response to separation that can be dangerous to themselves, their partner or their family, so it helps to be familiar with the signs of an unhealthy response and to know when to get help.

Anything that is an attempt to belittle, demoralise or punish a person is unhelpful, and in some cases may even be illegal (such as vandalising a car or other property). Regardless of how bad you feel after separation, it does not help to take out your frustration and anger on your children, to steal from or lie about each other, or to try to damage each other’s new life. The separation will be easier on everyone if each party takes responsibility for behaving with respect and maturity.

Depression#

Sadness from a relationship breakdown can be intense, and may lead to depression. Depression is a serious illness that affects both mental and physical health. People with depression find it hard to function every day. They may become socially isolated or unproductive at work and home, and stop enjoying their usual activities. Other signs can include significant weight change, lack of concentration, and reliance on alcohol or drugs. If these problems last longer than two weeks, it is time to seek professional help.

Violence#

Some people feel enormous rage when their relationship falls apart, and they may try to punish their partner. Family violence, stalking and abusive or threatening language and behaviour are never acceptable.

If you feel you cannot control your anger, or you are worried about your partner’s anger, please seek help immediately. The safety of everyone in the relationship, including children, must come first. If you are using family violence, contact a service that can support you to change your behaviour.

If your partner is violent:

• avoid contact as much as you can
• only meet in a public place
• ask a friend or family member to be with you at meetings
• don’t respond with aggression
• keep a record of abusive incidents, including stalking
• seek legal advice about what you can do
• contact a family violence support service

If you think you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (for example 911 in the US and Canada, 112 across the EU and many countries, 999 in the UK, or 000 in Australia) for the police.

Where to find help#

If you need support, a counsellor or your doctor can help. There are also resources and services for women and for men going through a relationship breakdown, family relationship advice services, parenting support lines, mental health support services, and family violence support services. Reach out to one that suits your situation.

Key points#

• A relationship breakdown is a time of heightened and mixed feelings, and it is normal to feel both relief and grief.
• It is important to look after your finances and the practical side of separation, as well as your emotional wellbeing.
• Relationship breakdown is a risk factor for worsening family violence and depression, so know the warning signs and when to seek help.