Parenting when you’re a foster carer

As a foster carer, you provide a safe and supportive home for a child or teenager who cannot live with their own family or kin. You care for the child for a period of time, anywhere from a single night to many years, depending on the circumstances and your own preferences. The role is incredibly important and can be very rewarding, but it can also be particularly challenging.

You can make a real difference to a child’s life, but you may face challenges that affect you physically, emotionally and financially, as well as stresses that other parents do not have to confront. Becoming a foster carer is a major life decision.

If you are thinking about becoming a foster carer, it helps to understand the types of arrangements available and the challenges and rewards you may face. If you are already a foster carer, this information may help you understand and cope with some of those challenges, or find support services.

What foster care is#

Foster care is the temporary care of children up to 18 years of age by trained, assessed and accredited carers in a home setting.

Children in foster care can be vulnerable, often coming from abusive or neglectful situations. They may have experienced physical abuse or emotional neglect, or come from a home that was unhealthy or inadequate. Sometimes a child’s parents are in prison, or are dealing with substance misuse, mental health issues or an intellectual disability.

A child in foster care may be any age, from a baby to a teenager, and come from any cultural, religious and socio-economic background. Carers usually nominate the length and type of care they wish to provide, and the age and gender of the children they would like to care for.

Placements are generally managed through foster care agencies, who support you while a child is in your care. Carers are typically reimbursed a care allowance to help with the day-to-day costs of providing care, and you usually have access to ongoing training through your agency and other carer learning programs. Carer associations also provide support, advocacy and representation for foster carers.

Rewards and challenges#

There are both challenges and rewards in being a foster carer. Many carers say the rewards far outweigh the challenges.

Beyond the personal rewards of caring for a child, there is a particular reward in providing a healing environment and building a trusting relationship with a child recovering from trauma. As a foster carer, you become one of the most significant people in a young person’s life. Your decisions and the way you parent will shape that child’s future, which is both daunting and immensely rewarding.

Dealing with complex behaviors and needs#

One of the main challenges for foster parents is managing difficult behavior, which might be violent, antisocial or sexualized. Some common patterns include:

• Withdrawal from those around them. The child may seem sad or listless, may not smile, or may not be interested in interactive games or toys.
• Defying authority, such as refusing to listen or intentionally doing the opposite of what was asked.
• Violence or aggression toward birth or foster siblings, friends, classmates and other authority figures such as teachers.

Therapeutic parenting#

Therapeutic parenting gives a child high levels of both structure and nurture. It is intentional parenting designed to create feelings of safety and connectedness so the child can begin to heal and attach.

Like any parenting style, you will need to adapt it to your circumstances, but it generally focuses on:

• Safety, both physical safety and the child’s felt or perceived sense of safety.
• High structure with high nurture. Every child needs this, but a traumatized child especially needs consistent boundaries held in place with plenty of love and respect so they can learn to feel safe again.
• Connected parenting, staying attuned to your child and looking past their behavior to what they are trying to communicate.
• Being playful, accepting, curious and empathic.
• Patience over the long term, because healing may take a long time.

If you are finding it hard to deal with the behaviors or special needs of a child in your care, reach out to your agency or a support service for advice.

Looking after yourself#

When caring for a child who has experienced trauma, remember to look after yourself too:

• Don’t take the child’s behavior personally. It is about their past experiences, not you. They may be acting out of fear, shame or other emotions.
• Be as patient with yourself as you are with the child.
• Stay calm and positive.
• Seek counseling for yourself if you need it.
• Seek support from other foster carers and associations.
• Take breaks away from the child and family life, and use any carer assistance program offered by your agency.
• Eat well, and get plenty of rest and exercise.

Maintaining contact with biological parents#

Children in foster care usually have a contact plan to maintain a relationship with their biological parents where possible. When it is safe and productive, family contact helps a child build their identity, resilience and sense of security and stability. If the child is to be reunited with their parents, continuity of contact helps pave the way.

Part of your role is helping to maintain the child’s significant relationships, such as those with their birth family, friends, role models and extended family. Meeting the birth parents can help dispel any myths that may have developed for either party.

Maintaining contact can be difficult or confronting. Common challenges include:

• Deciding how often the child sees their birth family, and whether contact is supervised or unsupervised. (These conditions may be set by a court order, including who has contact, the type of contact, how often it occurs, and whether visits must be supervised.)
• Knowing what to do if the child feels torn between you and their birth family.
• Staying neutral toward any animosity or mixed feelings between you and others in the child’s life.
• Helping the child if they blame themselves for being removed from their parents’ care.
• Helping the child cope with further rejection if their birth parents do not attend contact visits.
• Helping the child understand why they cannot return home yet, and preparing them if they are going home.

If you need support to maintain these relationships, contact your agency or a carer association, which can provide information, advice and support.

Dealing with your own emotions and needs#

Parenting is challenging for everyone, but many foster carers also face feelings of isolation and frustration. For example, you may:

• Not know who to talk to about the complex needs of the child, or who to call if a crisis arises.
• Feel you are not sufficiently trained or supported for the child’s specific needs or behavior.
• Feel frustrated that you cannot access information about the child’s behavior or health problems.
• Feel emotionally attached to the child and unsure how to handle those feelings, or the child’s mixed feelings toward you.
• Feel unsettled by uncertainty around the care arrangement, such as not knowing how long the child will be with you.
• Feel frustrated dealing with social and government agencies.

Managing finances as a foster carer#

At the start of a placement, an assessment is usually made of the care allowance to be paid to the carer household as a contribution toward everyday living costs.

The care allowance is not a payment for being a foster carer and is generally not considered income, so it usually is not taxed and should not affect your eligibility for government allowances or loans.

Even with the allowance, you may still find the costs of caring difficult, especially for a child with special needs. It is important to consider these financial costs before becoming a foster carer, particularly if they will affect your own life or retirement plans. As in any parenting situation, money management and budgeting can help you manage household costs.

Key points#

• Foster care is temporary care of a child or young person who cannot live with their own family, lasting from a single night to many years.
• Many children come to foster care having experienced trauma; therapeutic parenting, with high structure and high nurture, helps them feel safe and begin to heal.
• Look after yourself as well as the child, and use the support and counseling available through your agency and carer associations.
• Where it is safe, maintaining contact with the child’s birth family supports their identity, resilience and sense of stability.
• A care allowance helps with everyday costs, but consider the financial impact before becoming a carer.

Where to get help#