Relationships - dealing with conflict

With the physical and emotional closeness of a partnership, some conflict is inevitable. It can be a sign that something is wrong or that someone is unhappy. Avoiding conflict or ignoring problems often means choosing not to talk through important issues or explore the reasons behind the disagreement.

It is important to recognise the ways in which you and your partner are different, and to think about how to make room for those differences in your relationship. Frustration and anger are feelings that often come with conflict.

Common reactions to anger#

When you feel frustrated or angry, you may react in unhelpful ways.

• You might express your feelings through a physical or verbal outburst. This can feel better at first, but you will probably feel guilty later. It can also damage the relationship, especially if your partner becomes afraid of your anger. Acknowledge it when you have gone too far and upset your partner.
• You might deny your anger. Ignoring anger means ignoring the signs that something is wrong in the relationship. This may settle things for a while, but it can create bigger problems later.

Anger can be healthy when expressed in non-destructive ways#

Try to acknowledge your anger without trying to hurt the other person, emotionally or physically. This is the most constructive response and is more likely to lead to a positive resolution. Remember that physical or emotional outbursts are abusive behaviour and are not acceptable.

If you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, seek help. Support is available for people affected by violence or abuse, including counselling for couples at risk of violence, help to secure the safety of people experiencing family violence, and therapy for those who use abuse and violence.

Working through conflict constructively#

When you choose to acknowledge your feelings, you can take steps to resolve the problem as quickly and calmly as possible.

• Admit that you are angry.
• Let your partner know how you feel by bringing the problem into the open, without trying to hurt them.
• Give yourself or your partner ‘cooling off’ time if either of you is too angry to talk. Remember to come back to the issue later and try to sort things out.

Explore your true feelings#

Conflict is usually the result of a build-up of underlying feelings and unresolved issues.

• Listen to your partner’s point of view. There are two sides to every story.
• Acknowledge and take responsibility for your part in the problem.
• Reflect together on what you can learn from the conflict. This helps strengthen your relationship and lessens the chances of a similar conflict happening again.

When you have resolved the conflict, be prepared to forgive and make up with your partner. Let them know you are ready to put it behind you and move on. Often this leads to a deeper sense of understanding and intimacy in the relationship.

A note on family violence#

The suggestions in this section are not intended for people experiencing family violence. If you are living with family violence, seek help. You have the right to be safe.

Where to get help#