Sexuality explained

Sexuality is not about who you have sex with, or how often you have it. It is about your sexual feelings, thoughts, attractions and behaviors towards other people. You can find others physically, sexually or emotionally attractive, and all of these are part of your sexuality.

Sexuality is diverse and personal, and it is an important part of who you are. Discovering your sexuality can be a liberating, exciting and positive experience.

It can take time to figure out the sexuality that fits you best, and your sexuality can change over time. This can be confusing, so don’t worry if you are unsure. You might be drawn to men or to women, to both or to neither. There is no right or wrong; it is about what is right for you. While there are common terms to describe different types of sexuality, you don’t have to adopt a label to describe yourself.

Different types of sexuality#

Most people are attracted to the opposite sex, for example men who like women or women who like men. These people are heterosexual, or “straight.”

Some people are attracted to the same sex, and these people are homosexual. Same-sex attraction is common, and is often first noticed during puberty. “Lesbian” is the common term for people who identify as women and are same-sex attracted. “Gay” is the most common term for people who identify as men and are same-sex attracted, although some women who identify as lesbian also use this word.

Sexuality can be more complicated than being straight or gay. Some people are attracted to both men and women, and are known as bisexual. Being bisexual does not mean the attraction is evenly weighted; a person may have stronger feelings for one gender than another, and this can vary depending on who they meet.

There are different kinds of bisexuality. Some people who are attracted to men and women still consider themselves mainly straight or gay. Others might have sexual feelings towards both genders but only have sex with one. Some people see sexual attraction as more gray than black and white. They may find everyday labels too rigid and prefer to identify as “queer.” Others use the term “pansexual” to show they are attracted to people regardless of gender, identity or expression. There are many differences between individuals, so bisexuality is a general term only.

A person who identifies as asexual (“ace” for short) is someone who does not experience, or experiences very little, sexual attraction. Asexuality is not a choice, unlike abstinence (where someone chooses not to have sex, whether they are attracted to someone or not). Asexuality is a sexual orientation, like homosexuality or heterosexuality.

People experience asexuality in a range of ways. Some strongly identify as asexual except for a few infrequent experiences of sexual attraction (gray-asexuality). Others feel sexual attraction only after they develop a strong emotional bond with someone (known as demisexuality).

Discrimination based on sexuality#

Equality and freedom from discrimination are fundamental human rights that belong to all people. In many places it is against the law to discriminate against someone because of their sexual orientation, gender identity or lawful sexual activity. Even so, discrimination can still occur.

If someone gives you a hard time about your sexuality, it is good to talk to someone about it. If you think you have been discriminated against or victimized because of your sexuality, you can seek information about your rights from a human rights or equal opportunity body in your area.

Sexuality and mental health#

People who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer or asexual can have an increased risk of depression, anxiety, substance use, homelessness, self-harm and suicidal thoughts, compared with the general population. This is particularly true of young people who are coming to terms with their sexuality and experiencing victimization or bullying at school.

Some of the stressful experiences that can affect mental health include:

• Feeling different from other people
• Being bullied, verbally or physically
• Feeling pressure to deny or change their sexuality
• Feeling worried about coming out, and then being rejected or isolated
• Feeling unsupported or misunderstood

These pressures come on top of everything else people have to deal with in life, such as managing school, finding a job, forming relationships and making sense of their identity and place in the world.

Helping someone who is struggling#

If you are worried that someone you know has a mental health problem, look out for changes in their mood, behavior, relationships, appetite, sleep patterns, coping and thinking. If these changes last more than a couple of weeks, talk to them about getting help. A good place to start is their doctor, or a phone or online support service.

If you are struggling with your own sexuality:

• Get support if you are finding it hard to cope.
• Try talking to someone you trust, such as a friend, relative, doctor or counselor, or use a helpline.
• Don’t stay around someone if they are abusive to you.
• Take your time. There is no rush to figure out your sexuality, and you don’t have to put a label on it.

If you think you are gay but you don’t want to come out, that is okay too.

Key points#

• Sexuality is diverse and personal, and it is an important part of who you are.
• “Lesbian” is the common term for people who identify as women and are same-sex attracted.
• Some people who are attracted to men and women still consider themselves mainly straight or gay.

Where to get help#