Talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality

Talking with children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality is sometimes called sex education, having “the talk”, or talking about “the birds and the bees”. In reality, it is much more than a single conversation.

Open and honest discussions, where young people receive accurate information about bodies, relationships, sex and sexuality, help them make safer choices as they grow up. Many adults are unsure how to start or feel uncomfortable raising these topics, but avoiding the subject does not stop young people from being curious, and it does not keep them safe.

These conversations also give adults a chance to share their own values. It is normal to feel awkward at first.

Confidence comes with time and practice#

A few simple principles can help:

• Start conversations early and keep talking as your child gets older.
• Be the person they feel comfortable coming to for advice.
• Answer questions as simply and directly as possible.
• Keep conversations casual rather than turning them into a formal lecture.
• Use everyday cues around you to start or continue a discussion.

Be ready to talk about diversity of gender and sexuality, and look for books, websites and other resources for ideas.

Start early#

Children learn about relationships, sex and sexuality from the moment they are born. Very young children pick up messages from adults about their bodies. This includes:

• ideas about which body parts are public and which are private
• appropriate and inappropriate behaviour

It is common for young children to be open and curious about their own bodies and those of others. Try to use correct terms for body parts. This helps reduce embarrassment and shame, and it gives children the confidence to ask questions and to tell a trusted adult if something is not right.

As your child gets older, continue these conversations as opportunities arise. It is best to be proactive rather than reactive. Try to talk about changes before they start happening, before your child is likely to see pornography, and before they become sexually active.

If children receive age-appropriate information early, there is less anxiety for everyone later. If conversations have not started as early as you might have liked, don’t panic – simply look for an opportunity. Research shows that young people who receive accurate, honest and comprehensive sex education are more likely to delay their first sexual experience and to use safer sex practices.

Be honest and approachable#

Encourage children to ask questions. When children know they will get an honest, accurate answer, they are more likely to ask for advice at home. Talking about relationships, sex and sexuality does not have to be formal. Weave these topics into everyday conversation so they become a normal part of life.

Young people often want short, direct answers, and they can ask more questions as they arise.

Use cues around you#

Use the news, current affairs, social media, advertising, song lyrics, books, television and films as prompts to start a conversation. You might also draw on people you observe around you or online.

Young people may want to talk about many different kinds of relationships and sexuality. Don’t wait for your child to ask – be proactive and open the conversation. Open-ended questions help, such as, “What do you think you would do in that situation?”

Help them find reliable resources#

Older children may need help finding suitable, accurate information. If they search these topics on their own, they may come across misleading material or pornography. Be approachable and offer to look for good information together. You might also discuss who else they could talk to if they feel reluctant to come to you, such as a trusted adult friend or relative.

Plan your approach#

It helps to plan before you talk with children about relationships, sex and sexuality. You might try some of these suggestions:

• Discuss the topic with your partner or other adults involved in your child’s care, and decide on a consistent approach.
• Decide what values and messages you want to share. Children won’t know your values and beliefs unless you tell them.
• Stay informed about relevant current affairs.

The aim is to be open and honest – it is fine to tell your child if you feel embarrassed.

Language around sexuality is changing, so be open to learning new words about identity, relationships and sexuality. Accept that your child may hold different views from your own.

It is common for young people to be interested in adult topics like sex. Answer their questions with honest information that suits their age. If your child is asking questions, they are probably ready for answers. Themes of consent, respect and help-seeking are relevant at every age.

Revisit topics throughout childhood and adolescence#

As children grow, revisit topics such as:

• Body autonomy – they are the boss of their own body and get to say what happens to it.
• Public body parts – they have the right to choose which parts of their body are public, which may depend on factors such as preference, culture or religion.
• Private body parts and appropriate behaviour – the parts no one has permission to see or touch.
• Accurate names for private body parts.
• Getting help from people they trust when they are scared, worried or feel unsafe.

By the end of primary school, young people should have a good understanding of how bodies work and change, including puberty and how babies are made. Include relevant changes in others as well as themselves. The more accurate information children have, the less anxiety they will feel.

In the teenage years, the conversation should move more towards relationships, including respectful intimate relationships, pleasure and enjoyment. It’s okay not to answer questions about your own experiences.

Most young people become interested in sexual experiences as they move into adulthood. Provide sex-positive, accurate, honest and comprehensive information to help your child make healthy, safe and positive choices.

Listen to your child#

This should be a series of discussions, not a lecture. Be prepared for the possibility that they may not feel the same way or agree with you. Teenagers need to learn how to navigate sexual experiences positively and responsibly.

Ways to help your child make safe and informed decisions include:

• Encourage them to talk with their partner about sex and its possible outcomes.
• Direct them to reliable sources of information.
• Keep communication open.

Most young people will become sexually active at some stage. Not allowing them to have sex at home will not stop them. Establish ground rules about sexual behaviour in your home – for example, whether a partner can be in the bedroom or stay overnight. The best time to set these rules is when you are already talking openly about sex, before the situation arises.

At school#

Relationships and sexuality are often part of the school curriculum, and children explore these themes across many subjects that build critical and creative thinking and ethical, intercultural, personal and social skills.

Schools generally take an approach that involves teachers, parents and carers, and the wider school community. They are expected to be inclusive and to promote the participation and empowerment of all children, including responding appropriately after a critical incident such as a sexual assault.

Contact your child’s school for more information about its learning program. Knowing the details of the program can help you continue the conversations at home. Useful contacts at school may include teachers, the school nurse and wellbeing staff. Some secondary schools offer on-site access to a doctor trained in adolescent health.

Key points#

• It is common for young children to be open and curious about their bodies and those of others.
• It is common for young people to have an interest in adult things like sex.
• By the end of primary school, young people should have a good understanding of how bodies work and change.

Where to get help#