Women, sex and sexuality

This page looks at both the gendered and biological aspects of women’s sexuality and sexual pleasure. It focuses on cisgender women (people who identify as women and were assigned female at birth). Not all women have female anatomy, including a vulva, vagina and clitoris, and some people who were assigned female at birth do not identify as women. Experiences of sexuality may also differ for trans men, trans women, and non-binary people.

What is sexuality?#

Sexuality is about our sexual feelings and thoughts, who we are attracted to, and our sexual behaviors. We can find other people physically, sexually or emotionally attractive, and all of these are part of our sexuality.

Exploring and expressing your sexuality over time might include sexual dreams, fantasizing about someone or about a sexual act, kissing, touching, masturbating, being naked with someone, oral sex, or penetrative intercourse. Your sexuality can change over time, like anyone else’s. At some points in life you may feel very sexual, and at other times sex might be the furthest thing from your mind. That is normal.

Sexual development#

Sexual feelings often begin to develop during puberty or adolescence. This may mean feeling attracted to other people, whether male or female, having sexual fantasies or dreams, or exploring your body in a sexual way through masturbation. This is a normal part of development.

While some people choose to have sex for the first time as teenagers, others wait until much later in life, and some never become sexually active. That is fine too. The most important thing is that you make the right decisions for yourself and that you always feel safe and respected.

Sexual orientation and gender identity#

Who you are attracted to may change over time. Women who are primarily attracted to men are heterosexual, and a woman who is primarily attracted to other women may describe herself as a lesbian. Some women are attracted to more than one gender (bisexuality). Some women start out feeling attracted to men but later feel attracted to women, and some have the opposite experience. Asexuality means that you do not have strong sexual feelings in general.

Gender identity can also relate to sexuality. For example, if a person is born female but identifies as a boy or man, he may describe himself as heterosexual if he is mainly attracted to women, or gay if he is mainly attracted to men.

It is fine to be attracted to different sexes over the course of your life, or not to feel sexual at all. It is never okay to discriminate against someone because of their sexuality or gender identity. Everyone should be treated with respect, and no one should pressure you into doing things you are uncomfortable with.

Women’s anatomy and sexual pleasure#

Sexuality and sexual pleasure can involve your whole body as well as your mind, but some parts of female anatomy, such as the clitoris, can be particularly important for sexual pleasure. It can take a lot of experimenting, by yourself (masturbation) or with a partner, to become comfortable and familiar with the different parts of your anatomy and what feels good for you.

Just like any other part of the body, genitals can look very different from one person to another, and this variety is completely normal.

Many things can affect how much pleasure you get from a sexual experience, including:

• how relaxed and happy you feel
• how you feel about your body at the time
• the culture or environment around you and your partner, which can shape attitudes and expectations about sex

These influences can be positive, negative, or both. For example, historically it was thought that women should not enjoy sex and that the only purpose of sex was having babies. Movies and pornography often show men as dominant or aggressive and women as submissive or passive, and may show women having multiple orgasms as soon as sex begins. This can create unrealistic expectations and lead to situations where people feel they are acting out sexual scripts written by someone else, without much real pleasure.

Sex should feel good#

While it is normal to take time to work out what you enjoy, sexuality and sex should feel good. No one has the right to make you feel disrespected, scared or uncomfortable during sex.

It can be hard to talk about what really feels good with a partner, but communication is key to a mutually enjoyable experience. One sign of intense sexual pleasure or stimulation is an orgasm, which can feel like an explosion of pleasure lasting a few seconds or a few minutes. For people with female genitals, orgasms most often result from stimulation of the clitoris. Not everyone has an orgasm during sex with another person, and that is normal.

It is fine to have many sexual partners over your life, just a few, or none at all. It is about what makes you happy.

Sex and consent#

If you are doing sexual things with another person, they must have your consent, and you must have theirs. Some people think consent is just the absence of saying “no”, but it is much more than that. Consent means being sure that the other person is enthusiastically agreeing, and is happy and comfortable with the sexual activity. Consent is about communication, and it should happen every time you engage in sexual activity.

Giving consent for one activity, one time, does not mean giving consent for another activity or for ongoing sexual contact. For example, agreeing to kiss someone does not give them permission to remove your clothes, and having sex with someone in the past does not give them permission to have sex with you again in the future. You can withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable.

The best way to make sure everyone is comfortable is to talk about it. Checking that you have consent can include asking your partner questions during sexual activity, such as “what would you like me to do?” and “what would feel good for you?” Open-ended questions support positive discussion about pleasure and consent, and you can ask your partner to check in with you in the same way.

Consent is not:

• assuming that dressing in a certain way, flirting, accepting a ride or accepting a drink means agreeing to anything more
• saying “yes” (or saying nothing) while under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• saying “yes”, or giving in, because you feel too pressured or too afraid to say “no”

If any sexual activity, including touching, kissing, fondling, oral sex or intercourse, is forced on a person without their consent, it is sexual assault, and it is a crime. If you have experienced unwanted sexual contact and would like information or support, contact a sexual assault or family violence support service.

Practicing safe sex#

Another important part of sexual communication is talking about how to practice safe sex. Contraception is important because it can protect against unplanned pregnancy and, in some cases, sexually transmissible infections (STIs).

Forms of contraception may include:

• condoms (for women and men) and diaphragms
• the oral contraceptive pill, the mini pill and the vaginal ring
• long-acting reversible contraception, such as an intrauterine device (IUD), an implant or injections

For advice on the contraceptive options that suit you and your partner, speak with your doctor or a sexual health clinic.

Related issues#

There are many issues related to sexuality and being sexually active, including:

• contraception and abortion
• sexually transmissible infections (STIs) and blood-borne viruses (BBVs)
• menstruation and ovulation
• puberty and pregnancy
• body image and the influence of pornography
• menopause
• gender identity
• disability and sexuality

If you need an interpreter, let your health service provider know.

Key points#

• Sexuality is about your sexual feelings and thoughts, who you are attracted to, and your sexual behaviors, and it can change over time.
• It is never okay to discriminate against someone because of their sexuality or gender identity.
• Sex and sexuality should feel good, and no one has the right to make you feel disrespected, scared or uncomfortable.
• Consent must be enthusiastic, can be withdrawn at any time, and is needed every time.
• Contraception can protect against unplanned pregnancy and, in some cases, STIs.

Where to get help#